Melissa Mensavage

By Melissa Mensavage

boys mailboxes

My mind is blank on what to write this month.  May was a whirlwind month for us.  It started with my oldest’ s third birthday.  Ended with my youngest’ s first birthday.   It also included officially calling potty trained and moving to pre-school for the oldest.  It included the elimination of baby food for my youngest.  Somewhere in there I had to find time to actually process all of these changes.  The ‘me’ time that I had prior to getting pregnant with my youngest is now making a very welcomed come-back, albeit small.

I’ve done quite a bit of reflection recently due to I am not having any more babies so I want to savor as much as I can of the baby time because this is it.  I want to remember the snuggles, the sweet breath felt on my neck as I rock them to sleep and the toothless smiles.

Its been one year since I gave birth to my youngest, and I felt that chemical shift back into ‘me’ again.  I had this shift with my first but it was earlier, around six or seven months.  I had very bad post-partum depression with my youngest.  I was given an anti-depressant and have been under my doctors care since.  He wont release me at the earliest 18 months post or when he feels I am doing good.  I’ve been in therapy to help with this.  I’ve dealt with situational depression throughout my life, but never did I experience the black days like I did during the first six weeks of my son’s life.  I still cry thinking about that time.  Though I am thankful I am fully functional, living life, enjoying my boys and working.  (I had googled PPD a while back and boy oh boy.  My prayers are with those women and their families.)

The other day I was sent home with leftover diapers and wipes from my oldest’s cubby at school.  He’s a full-fledged kid now.  There is nothing baby about him.  Though he is only three, he is certainly demonstrating attributes of an older child.  The phrases, ‘just one piece mommy’ when wanting a piece of his brother’s cereal bar.  ‘I have something to say mommy’, interrupting me when I am trying to talk to him about being nice and sharing.  Before it would be him silent, and me bribing him with candy or using reverse psychology (‘no you cant have that…then put away your toys’) but now he just flat out doesn’t listen and will proceed with what he set his mind to.  This is all unchartered territory for me, having a kid, a three year old.  I fear that trying to maneuver this territory will make me forget the baby and toddler stages.

I’ve also noted that it was around this time two years ago I started writing for The Next Family, sharing my story.  I took a break because I had a very hard second pregnancy and post-partum.  When Brandy sent an email earlier this year, I welcomed the opportunity to try this again.  And to say the least, its working out it my favor.  I am getting to take many of my motherhood experiences and fears and put them out for this world to see and not feel judged.  Thank you for that.

So as I look at my calendar for June, I have scheduled one play-date, one birthday party and swimming lessons.  That is it.  I don’t want to do anything other than soak up these ages and years because in a blink I’ll be at their high school graduation.

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