The Waiting…and More Waiting
By Tanya Dodd-Hise
It’s midday on Monday. It has been one week since I went to my doctor and she confirmed the mass in my breast. It has been one week since I contacted the program who will ultimately (I hope) fund my diagnostic mammogram and sonogram, since I haven’t got insurance. It has been ten days since I personally confirmed the mass, and ten days that I have been going nuts wanting to know what it is and what I need to do to get it out of my body.
More people know now, and I finally told the oldest child. He asked some questions, but didn’t seem too concerned and told me not to be scared. I have spent the past ten days with a knot in my stomach, and have tried to keep myself busy so as not to obsess too much about it. But every morning that I wake up, I check to see if perhaps it is gone; and before I go to sleep every night I check again – and each time it is still there, becoming a growing part of me.
I’m trying to get some business taken care of that I have neglected for too long, and am hoping that it isn’t too late. I applied last week for a life insurance policy, worried that if I should get a negative diagnosis that I won’t be able to get any later. I decided on $100K of coverage, despite previously having much more; but I’m older now and it’s more expensive. I figure that this amount would cover final expenses and college for the two younger kids, and maybe later I can get a smaller policy to supplement it. I also figured that I should go ahead and apply last week and get the medical exam done as soon as possible before I get any kind of diagnosis that could screw it up. As of this morning, when the nurse came to my house to do all of the testing, I have no appointment and therefore no diagnosis of anything bad. I know that it’s a tricky area that I am wandering in here, and even if the policy is written and granted this week, that a negative diagnosis NEXT week could void it altogether. But I HAD to do SOMETHING to at least TRY and protect my family should something happen to me. I feel so helpless and unable to do anything as long as I don’t know. I NEED to know, so I will know what to do next.
I was supposed to meet with my BFF and attorney tomorrow to update my Will, but she is unexpectedly having to go out of town due to a family situation. When she returns in a couple of weeks, I will go in and we will go over the changes that I need to make, like adding Harrison and Zoe to it (not that I really have much to leave any of them!). Again, just trying to take care of business that I have neglected up to this point.
So it is midday on Monday, and one week that I have been waiting for my phone to ring with a nurse calling to make my appointment. Six days ago, the chick at the program told me that it would be a few days probably before a nurse would call. Three days ago, I called to follow up and see where I am, and was told then that there is no set timeframe and that she couldn’t tell me how long it would be. This brought me to tears slightly. The chick explained that it was only she and the two nurses in this department, and that because everyone who is calling them has the same issue as me, then no one is bumped up as more important than anyone else. I finally took a breath, and told her that really, I appreciate the work that they are doing and to keep up the good work. I imagine that they are talking to a lot of freaked out women just like me every day, and are probably not thanked or appreciated nearly enough. She seemed taken aback by my comments, and finally said, “Ma’am, I know you’re anxious, and I promise that someone will call you soon.” So I had to just accept that, and know that I was going to have to struggle through another weekend not knowing. I pray that someone calls today. This is making me crazy.
Originally published on DomesticDyke.Com