Me And My (Red) Arrow
By Ann Brown
There’s this intersection I drive through, like, a billion times a week and every single time I drive through it I remember that I do not know if it’s okay to make a right turn on the red arrow or not.
I’ve been wondering about it for almost seventeen years, since the first time I was at the front of a long line of cars and the signal turned to the red arrow. Cars started honking at me, which spurred me on to immediately step on the gas and GO because, you know, I didn’t want them to think I was a pussy or something. It’s crucial to me that people do not see me as a pussy driver. Or as a pussy anything. Or see me as I truly am.
It’s very difficult to maintain my hard-ass image while I nervously wait out the red arrows in life.
Oh, I know I look all tough and shit, running out onto my front lawn in my housecoat, giving the finger to the world, shaking my fists and railing at the gods and all, but I am actually quite mellow and “whatev” deep down inside. Under all the vitriol. And the Wheat Thins. And all the wine.
There are, however, a few things that bring out the inner ass-kicker in me:
1. People who forget to eat because they are busy. Really? Fuck you.
2. People who believe that America’s middle class is going to do better with Romney as our president. I am going to send my brilliant wonky sons out to each of your homes and make you listen to them. I would go to your home myself but I tend to get fuzzy on the numbers and facts, plus I have a thing about eating food from other people’s kitchens. Presuming you would offer me food. Unless you are too busy to remember to eat. In which case, double fuck you.
3. White people who think they are all that. Actually, I am against white people in general these days. I am sick of us. We are just so…weenie. So….white.
4. Exceptions to the rules of the road, including the dreaded red arrow. I mean, it should either mean STOP or GO. None of this “well, under the following circumstances, a person might choose to…” bullshit. How much thinking can a person do while driving and texting and spreading wasabi on her sushi and trying to remember if it is Brawny or Bounty that is owned by the evil Koch brothers?
I am just one person, for fuck’s sake. I can’t do everything.
Maybe the laws are different in California where I learned to drive. I think that in California a person can make a right hand turn on a red arrow. Or on a blinking red arrow. Or if a classic Lionel Richie song comes on the radio. Or if you really, really want to.
On the other hand, maybe it should be a personal choice. Some folks go on the red arrow, some stay put. Whatev. Just don’t buy Bounty. Or is it Brawny? Ask my kids.