I am pretty worried about some shit.
I am worried that the dull ache in my upper left molar means I am going to need yet another root canal.
I am worried that I will never learn to use my i-phone and I will spend the rest of my life accidentally taking videos of my body parts when I meant to lower the volume on my phone, and saying “hello? Hello??” into the wall phone jack.
And I am worried about the election, of course. I just don’t think I have it in me to cope if Romney wins. I might have to repeatedly hit myself on the head with a cast iron frying pan and put myself in a coma for four years. To deal with my worrying, however, I volunteered to do phone banking for Obama.
Here’s how you do it:
You call the numbers they give you and you say (into the phone jack), Hello (fill in name). My name is (fill in name) and I am calling from the Obama campaign. Then you ask questions from a prescribed list and thank them for their answers. Then, before they hang up, you ask them if they know of any publishers who would like to make a book out of your blog posts.
Now, I am a pretty good schmoozer despite the fact that I hate talking on the phone. I guess I just hate talking on the phone to people I actually know; talking to faceless names around the country doesn’t really bother me. Especially when I get to talk to them about myself.
I mean, Obama.
No I don’t.
One lady in Cleveland felt that the dull ache in my molars was something I should definitely ask my dentist about. A man in Dayton suggested Sensodyne. I left a long message on the voice mail of a guy in Columbus about finding a publisher for my blog, but I am still waiting for a call back on that one.
Yep, I think Obama has a good chance.
Frankly, I don’t know how effective phone calling is, even when done correctly by people who are not self-absorbed and hoping to get free dental advice from registered Democrats around the country. I am trying to remember if getting a phone call about something has ever actually spurred me on to do the thing. I am also trying to remember if anything has ever spurred me on to do anything.
Nope. It’s really a miracle I get out of bed every morning. But I digress…
Here’s how I fantasized the calls would go:
Me: Hello, Ohio Democrat, my name is Dr. Strangemom and I am calling from the Obama campaign.
Ohio D: Dr. Strangemom? The blogger? OMG, I want to publish you.
Me: Thank you. But I am calling about President Obama.
Ohio D: Right. I’m so confused. Tell me what to do, Dr. Strangemom.
Me: Vote for him. Vote in all Democratic senators and congresspeople, as well. And give a lot of money to NORML. And to the David Sheldrick Elephant Orphanage in Kenya. And to me.
O.D: Will do.
In reality, however, it goes this way:
Me: Hello, Ohio Democrat.
Then I get an incoming call on my i-phone and I start pushing random buttons and wind up recording a video of my stomach. Which I send to the Ohio Democrat.
And Obama wins by a landslide.
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