Ten Things I Never Thought I’d Say
By Wendy Rhein
Sometimes I catch myself with my mouth hanging open. I remind myself to close my jaw, take a breath. I seem to think that if I get quiet then the shocking, absurd, or insane thing I’ve just said will evaporate in a comic book quote bubble and we can all, especially me, pretend that I really didn’t just say that.
The things I find myself saying before 8am on any given day. These are the words that stun even me. Here is a recent sampling of things I’ve said to my kids, and meant them all.
“Put the lizard down. Now. Wait – NOT ON MY BED!”
“Yes I put the baked brie with pears and crackers in your Star Wars lunchbox. Right next to the juicebox.”
“Stop pulling on each other’s nipples!”
“For God’s sake, you have to wear pants to school. Your penis can enjoy the cool breeze later!”
“Your brother’s head is not suitable for ‘show and tell’ even if your teacher said you can bring in anything that fits in your backpack.”
“You can’t eat oatmeal in the shower.”
“Why is there a muffin in MY shower?”
“Why is your backpack oozing something green? Never mind, just don’t get it on the car.”
“No you can’t have a playdate with Melia and Sasha Obama this week. The Secret Service hasn’t bomb-checked our apartment yet.”
What is astonishing to me is that I meant every single word I said at the time. It is only after these perfectly logical statements left my mouth did “what the hell?” follow. I wonder if my son has started keeping a list of his own of all the crazy stuff his mother says. We could compare notes someday.