Ten Places NOT to Visit Before You Die

By: Ann Brown

Who thought of that stupid Facebook thing, anyway? You know, that app where everyone lists all the places they’ve been and shares their bucket list and seizes the day and puts pins on the map and shit? What a load.

100 PLACES TO VISIT BEFORE YOU DIE. Fuck that shit. No one needs to go anywhere. Everything you need is here. Plus, when you stay at home, time passes slowly. Which is like you are living longer. And you are not part of the clusterfuck which is the Santa Monica Freeway. On which a person could die on their way to LAX to visit one of the 100 places. Has no one else thought this thing through?

Being an intellectually curious person, however, I decided to check out the list. Let’s take a look at the first 10:

1. Los Angeles –oh. Well, that one is okay. Because I’ve been there so there’s no further travel involved on my part. Also, they have El Pollo Loco in LA. Which, as far as I know, they do not have in actual Mexico.

2. Lake District –I don’t even know where or what that is. I have been to a few lakes, however. Not a fan. I don’t enjoy swimming in standing water that isn’t chlorinated. Or that houses life forms other than humans swimming by me. I’m barely okay with humans. Because you totally know they are peeing. Naturally occurring warm current, my ass.

3. Ngorongoro Crater — Wikipedia advertises it this way: “The main feature of the NCA is the Ngorongoro Crater, a large, unbroken, unflooded volcanic caldera –” Yawn. I don’t even want to finish reading about it. Also, the words “large, unbroken, unflooded volcanic caldera” sound, I don’t know, vaguely vaginal. Yuck.

4. Loch Ness — Another reason to avoid lakes. I do, however, enjoy the gutteral “ch” in the name because it’s like Yiddish. Which would make the monster Jewish. Which would ROCK. A treyf-eating, college-eschewing, rugby-playing, Navy Seal-joining, mother-estranging, hairless back-sporting, tattoo-ed spendthrift. Run for your lives! Hide your blond daughters!

5. Republic of Seychelles — I like that its name is also a command – “say SHELLS”. Every time someone says the name of the place, I could say, “Okay, SHELLS”. And I’d laugh merrily. I could probably stay there for two weeks on that joke alone. I would kill in the Republic of Seychelles.

Seychelles. Okay, SHELLS. Hah.

6. Ibiza –people wear bikinis there. Pass.

7. Patagonia — A few years ago I ordered moisture-wicking socks from the catalog. They refunded me TWICE. And they never realized it. What a bunch of boobs. Still, I better keep a low profile and stay away. Don’t want to wind up in some Patagonian prison getting funky moisture-laden crud on my feet.

8. Great Barrier Reef — Again, I suspect that bathing suits are required. Again, pass. As God is my witness, I am never holding my stomach in again. EVER. Unless I meet Theodore Bikel. Or I am interviewed on CONAN. To promote my novel. Which I have to finish writing. Which is why I cannot visit any of these places. I have real work to do.

9. Nine Hells — Of course I was drawn to this place. I Googled it but the only description of Nine Hells was about Baator, from Dungeons and Dragons. And frankly, I lived through one of my kid’s obsession with D & D; I really don’t ever need to hear one more thing about it. I imagine this Nine Hells place to be the back room of a huge comic book store where dorks in capes ridicule you with elvish insults. And you have to wear a bikini.

10. Ring of Fire Volcanoes — Oh for fuck’s sake, do the creators of this list even know what a vacation is? A destination called Ring of Fire Volcanoes does not sound relaxing to me. I bet they don’t even have a chlorinated pool there. Also, any place called Ring of Fire Volcanoes makes me worry about hemorrhoids.

I tell you what: I am going to get working on my own list. As soon as I get dressed, run to New Seasons Market and pick up a couple of cranberry panini rolls. They are to die for.

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Ann Brown

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