Cookie Jar – Redux
By: Tosha Woronov
Almost two years ago I posted a blog about the nutty stuff my kid has said. We have a jar in the playroom stuffed with scraps of paper, each depicting a Leo quote and the date he said it. Partly because I don’t know what to write about, and partly because it’s a new year and I’m feeling nostalgic, I decided to revisit the jar, now that two years have passed…
Age 5 [referring to a commercial where a guy gets his chest waxed]: Remember that part where the man has his fur ripped off his nibbles?
Age 5: Mom, who will be in the World Serious tonight?
Age 5.5 [sees his first Big Mac; Daddy asks him if he knows what it’s called]: It’s a double burger triple bun cheeseburger.
Age 5.5 [was shooting hoops in backyard by himself]: Mom! I had an accident! (Why?) Well, I had to go pee, but I had to make the foul shot, and I made it, and Syracuse – I’m Syracuse, and we beat Providence, and, and – (That’s fine, but you still have to stop if you need to pee. Call a timeout or something.) I had no timeouts left!
Age 5.5: Daddy, you are the worst kisser! Your kisses are tiny and rude!
Age 5.5: When I grow up I’m going to be a sports teacher – baseball, basketball, football, all sports. I’ll have a sports league for grownups. I’ll teach you. Even if you’re old, I’ll teach you. Ooh-will you be old?
Age 5.5 [completely out of the blue]: Did you guys know that cold bacon, when you first put it in your mouth, is disgusting, but after you swallow it, it’s delicious?
Age 5.5 [kissing the dog on the lips]: You taste like tortillas. Like tortillas from Sharky’s.
Age 5.5 [after a long drive back from a baseball game]: My head hurts! I’ve been driving all day!
Age 5.75 [after the first day of kindergarten]: Kindergarten is going to be so hard! (How so?) All this homework I keep hearing about!
Age 5.75: Do you know what I want? Directv, HDTV, and Promotions on Demand.
Age 5.75 [learning to draw stars in kindergarten]: Mom, please help me make a normal star – a California star, not a Jewish star.
Age almost-6 [joking about where he’d go to college; Mommy wants him to stay in CA; Daddy said he’ll go where he went, Syracuse]: I’m not going to Syracuse! I can’t fly on a plane everyday!
Age almost-6 [Red Sox third baseman retires; is given the third base from Fenway Park to keep]: Oh good. Now he can practice with it at home!
Age 6 [to his friend as he leaves a birthday party; eyeing all the unopened presents]: I’m leaving now. Good luck with those gifts.
Age 6 [a holiday party at home; introducing his favorite cousin to his best school friend]: Tell him your name. Now you tell him your name. And you both know me. Ok, good. Let’s go play.
Age 6 [in kindergarten, making a sculpture out of cardboard tubes; another parent asks “what are you making?”]: Just something from the 80s.
Age 6 [sees my mineral makeup-concealer]: Oh, I know that stuff. I saw it on TV. It’s for your pitbulls. (What are “pitbulls”?) Those polka-dots on your face.
Age 6.75 [his friend has a tick on his shoulder; other mom and I freaking out, trying to get it off]: Ooh, is that a piece of chocolate? Can I have it?
Age almost-7: Remember when I caught that pop fly in my game? You know, the second pop fly of my career?
Age almost-7: If some people have a really healthy breakfast, like 10% salt and only 20% sugar, then they can have ice cream before lunch.
Age almost-7 [was kissing him and asked if he would still love his mama even when he was a teenager]: I don’t want to be a teenager![starts crying hard] Teenagers are bad! They are! They get in trouble! They’re going to say “come with me” and then I will be in trouble too!
Age 7 [just distraught that it’s bedtime]: What do you guys do when I go to bed? Do you do art and play the Wii?! [Yes, we bust out the glitter glue as soon as you go to sleep.]
Age 7: Daddy, next Christmas, I want a Capital One card, so I can earn 50% more cash with each purchase.
Age 7 [New Year’s Eve 2011; at an arcade; playing the “claw” game; he’s good at it –has won over 30 stuffed animals; wins not one, but TWO this time; pulls out the second one and exclaims]:
What a YEAR!
Yes Leo, it was. And here’s to the new one…
Now parents, use the comments section to share the wacky things your kid has said!