Not This Christmas

By: Lex Jacobson

We had a negative pregnancy test this month, so we are back to the drawing board. It has been a little frustrating and hard, and although I know it will happen when the time is right, the monthly letdown isn’t easy.

Back in September, I had dreamed about telling my family I was pregnant at Christmas dinner. They would all be wondering why I wasn’t enjoying my usual glass of holiday wine, and although they may have their suspicions, it would come as a surprise. We’d pull out a baby bib that said “I love my grandma/grandpa/uncle/aunt/cousin” and they would jump up out of their chairs to rush over and hug and congratulate us. The kids would leave their toys for a few moments to come and learn about how Auntie Lex ended up with a baby inside her when Auntie Devon is not a boy. There would be smiles and questions and the good energy in the room would be palpable.

But not so. This was not our year. 2011 served as a test run to a hopefully fertile 2012.  We’ve got a handful of months of trying to conceive under our belts and we will reframe and put our energy into the next few months of trying. I think the time around the holidays is especially tough. One of my sister-in-laws will be eight months pregnant at Christmas dinner and there will be five nieces and nephews running around the table. We will be the only childless couple there and knowing our family, there will be so much focus on the children, it will be hard to forget that Devon and I can’t contribute anything of our own to that.

We were really hoping for an early Christmas present this year. We were ready. We are ready. It’s tough when all of the other cards in the world line up, but these ones can’t. I know it takes time and I know that so many people struggle with this and I know I’m not any different – and maybe that’s the point. I’ve met a lot of people along the way that talk about their infertility in hushed voices, like it’s something to be ashamed of. And it’s not. It hurts for a reason.

[Side note: Oh, if I had only known at age 17 how hard it actually was to get pregnant (only 3-5 possible days a month!), I would have had a much more different sex life than I did. Knowing that, I will make it my mission to instil the same fear into my teenager as was instilled in me. Adults are smart!]

I really, really hope that we will have a baby by next Christmas so that this is the last Christmas as a pair.

Happy holidays, everyone. Take care of you and yours.

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Lex Jacobson

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