The Other Bucket List

Ann Brown

By: Ann Brown

Mom broke her pelvis in October. Yeah, I guess there wasn’t enough shit flying around our family this year so the universe pushed her down while she was gardening and broke her. Which means that now they have to buy her.

A friend with a mother my mom’s age assured me, however, that strong people in their 80’s can do just fine despite these kinds of injuries. She said, “last year, my mom broke her arm in two places and she could still work at her loom for hours and hours.” So that’s encouraging, right? I guess it means that even with a broken pelvis, my mom will be able to….oh, wait. I do not want to even think about what my mom does with her pelvis, much less for hours and hours.

It’s too weird to think about your parents and sex and stuff. In fact, just writing the word “pelvis” makes me feel a little woozy.

Plus, it’s not a very audially pleasing word is it? Pelvis. It sounds so…dry and creaky. Like what’s left after a windstorm or something. The storm left in its wake a pelvis of rubble. Or it could be Eastern European currency. In world news, the pelvis dropped sixteen points today; a new low. And post menopausal women everywhere would shake their heads in knowing commiseration.

Pelvis. It has no business being the term for the area of…er…business.

The derivation of the word is “empty basin or bucket”, for fuck’s sake. That image does not put a person in a sexy mood. “I feel a tingling in my empty bucket when I see your penis.” I’ll try that on Robin tonight, see where it takes us.

Although, it does add some interest to the term, “kick the bucket.”

I rarely talk about my own pelvis and I like it that way just fine. But since the accident, I have to say the word “pelvis” all the fucking time. And it always accompanies the words “my mom’s”.

My mom’s pelvis.

My mom’s pelvis. My mom’s pelvis. My mom’s pelvis. Say it three times to summon the devil. And then the rivers flow backwards and your spleen catches fire.

Thankfully, Mom is healing quickly so her pelvis won’t have to be on my mind for much longer.

But she also broke her clavicle. Which sounds a little nasty, too.

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