S Ralph

By: Shannon Ralph

My dear spouse of thirteen years and the love of my life recently informed me that my Facebook status updates have trended toward the negative as of late. Not wanting to be ordained a Negative Nelly by the Queen of Pessimism herself, I have decided to attempt to alter my melancholy ways. The following is my attempt at a Pollyanna-istic examination of my life:

1. The extra fifty pounds I put on in the last eighteen months is really great! It will provide me with an additional layer of warmth against the upcoming harsh Midwestern winter, in much the same way that the blubber of a walrus allows it to swim in frigid waters. In addition, because I do not have the money right now to purchase an entire new wardrobe, my skin-tight clothing will allow me to unleash my inner hoochie-mama, something I readily admit to never having done before. It’s all good.

2. Just because I am addicted to coffee…and food…and Facebook…and Sudoku…and shoes…and online shopping does not mean that I have an addictive personality disorder. Rather, it simply means that I am dedicated to the interests that I pursue. I strive for pleasure with wanton abandon. That’s a good thing, right?

3. My life does not revolve around my children. I have interests outside of my children. As I alluded to above, I am interested in lattes and cheesecake and pie and potato chips. Never mind that these interests are a coping mechanism for dealing with my child-centered existence. I am counting them each as independent interests.

4. Thirty-nine is the new twenty-one, right? This weekend, I will turn thirty-nine years old. I am not old. I am on the verge of entering my prime. Never mind that my knees creak and my bladder leaks and my back aches and I sweat like a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. It’s all good. Aging is a natural process and I am doing nothing more than coming into my own. Right?

5. My children are angels. They really are perfect children. Okay. Perhaps “perfect” may be a bit of a stretch. However, they are sweet-natured children. Okay. In all honesty, Sophie probably can’t really be characterized as “sweet-natured”. She is many things, but sweet-natured is not really one of them. My children are well-behaved, however. Ummm. Yea. That’s really a bold-faced lie. I do believe, however, that they are well-meaning children. Really, I don’t know about that one. “Well-meaning” may be a stretch, as well. Let’s just say they are children and leave it at that.

Okay. I can’t take it anymore. That’s all the Pollyanna-ism I can handle. I feel dirty now.

I’m going to take a shower.

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