20 Weeks

The Next Family

By: Brandy Black

20 weeks

I’m 5 months into my pregnancy and we just found out that we are having a boy and a girl.  I’m just barely starting to feel them flutter around in my belly and am beginning to attach myself to the notion of two new people joining our family.  If I think about it too much I have to gasp for breath so I have been focusing on one moment at a time and not thinking beyond that.  Close escrow on our house, find another house, make sure car-seats fit in our cars, begin to make lists of what we need, wait, gasping for breath, Ok I’ll stop and start again.  Today, you are sick, get rest, get well and start again tomorrow.

I went to see Maharaji, my “teacher”, for lack of a better word, a few weeks ago and he spoke about living in the present and how we have a tendency to make things much bigger than they are in our minds and a lot of that has to do with concepts that we have or that society has that we bestow upon ourselves.  I realized how true that was for me all the time but particularly in my current situation.  When people say “Oh wow, how are you guys going to do it?” or “Do you realize you guys are in the minority having three kids?”, I make it bigger in my head. “What are we going to do?  We can’t do it! There’s a reason that most people don’t have three kids!” and I spiral down a dangerous, insecure path that leads nowhere.  But when I stop and look at the moment that I’m in right now, loving my daughter, feeling these two babies bump around inside of me, it feels good. When Sophia tells me how she will get them the paci when they are tired and help me with wipes when they are wet and give them a bottle when they are hungry, I’m excited imagining what life will be like for the five of us.  When I look back at videos of Sophia crying at 3 days old and Susan deliriously singing easy listening songs in our fire-lit living room while holding our tiny daughter, I look forward to what’s to come.  So to hell with the rest of it.  When it’s hard, I will get through it and we will all come out stronger for it.  It is the challenges in life that strengthen us and make us who we are.

So, on to the next chapter that awaits and hooray it’s a boy and a girl, just like Sophia predicted: “one will have a bow in her hair and one will not.”

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