By: Ann Brown
“Hi! Come in, I have chicken. Do you want chicken?”
This is how – after not seeing each other for over three years – my cousin Lori greeted me when I went to her house last week.
“There’s chicken. It’s in the fridge,” she said. In case I was worried it had been sitting out on the counter for a few days. Lori knows I am paranoid about that. I promised my mom I wouldn’t write shit about her in the blog anymore but I just want to say Mom has a VERY liberal attitude towards refrigerating poultry and I am wary.
Disclaimer: everything ever written by Dr. Strangemom about her mom may or may not be exaggerated or even a complete unsubstantiated lie drummed up by an ungrateful daughter with a snarky tongue. Dr. Strangemom’s mom (Grandma Strangemom) fully complies with the USDA guidelines for food storage and refrigeration and furthermore, no one has ever spent the night on the toilet, moaning and mainlining Immodium after eating Grandma Strangemom’s twelve-hour countertop chicken; whereas many people have gone directly from eating chicken at my house to the ER. Also, I take back all that shit I wrote about The Tuna Incident. But in my defense, I never really expected Mom to read this blog.
Oh, also, it is NOT true, not true at all, that when I was in LA last week, EVERY fucking building into which Mom and I went, she turned to me and said, “Oy. It’s so cold in here.”
No, it is NOT true that she said it to me; she more often said it to the salesperson.
Me: Ah, thank God, it’s air-conditioned in here. It’s a motherfucker outside.
Mom: Oy. It’s so cold.
Mom kept a sweater around her shoulders. I got naked and sprawled across the refrigerated cheeses at Gelson’s.
“So, do you want some chicken? We have a ton,” Cousin Lori followed me into the den.
“It’s really good chicken,” she assured me when I hid behind the couch to get away from her.
“Hi everyone!” I whispered from behind the couch. I miss my cousins so much. I have regular Facebook Scrabble games with Lisa and Andrea but it’s not the same as actually being with them. You know, to sit together side by side and play Facebook Scrabble on our i-pads.
“What the fuck is up with Lori and damn chicken?” I asked Andrea and Lisa. Lori and her twin sister Lynn are younger than we are so I knew I could get Andrea and Lisa to side with me.
“Oh,” said Lisa, “it’s really good chicken.”
“True,” said Andrea, who had just announced she is a pescatarian, “I had two wings. You know, because I don’t eat chicken anymore. Just the wings.”
Pescatarian. I looked it up. Yup. “A person who eats no beef or poultry, only vegetables, fruit, cheese, eggs and fish. And chicken wings, but only if they are really good.”
Great Scrabble word.