Survive Rapture: Check
By: Ann Brown
Are we all still here?
I don’t know what I expected to happen on Saturday – I mean, for fuck’s sake, I knew there was not going to be a seat for me on that bus, I once (twice) hid behind my couch and pretended I wasn’t home when the Rabbi came by – but still, I was a little bit disappointed at 6:01. I just hate being excluded, even if I didn’t want to go in the first place. Let me at least reject them before they reject me, you know?
I had my speech all ready: I appreciate the invite, really I do, but I have my own Rapture plans for after The Revolution – the commune, you know. And I just couldn’t leave now, what with my four Lexulous games in progress, and also, I defrosted those boneless, skinless chicken breasts two days ago and I really need to use them today or they’ll go bad and they were, like, a bazillion dollars a pound because they are organic. And Kosher. Oh, did I mention I am JEWISH?
What is the deal with my people not being invited to the Rapture? I smell a hate crime. I suggest that some hungry young Jewish attorney out there get on the stick with this. Get on the tube. Put on a suit and slick back your hair. DID YOU GET LEFT BEHIND ON MAY 21? ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM LOW SELF ESTEEM BECAUSE OF IT? HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED SLEEPLESSNESS, ANXIETY, LOSS OF LIBIDO, UNUSUALLY THICK FACIAL HAIR, GUILTMONGERING, A DISTASTE FOR ORAL SEX, HAND-WRINGING, AND AN INEXPLICABLE DESIRE FOR GROUND FISH BALLS SERVED WITH HORSERADISH? THEN YOU MAY BE JEWISH.
No, wait. THEN YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR COMPENSATION.
THE LAW NOW PROTECTS YOUR RIGHT TO BE INVITED TO THE RAPTURE. COME SEE ME AT MY LAW OFFICES AND LET’S TALK DAMAGES. ALL YOU NEED IS IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE OF BEING ONE OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE – MEN, BRING YOUR DETACHED FORESKIN. WOMEN, BRING ONE DAY’S SHAVINGS FROM YOUR EPILADY.
I really don’t get why more people don’t take my suggestions seriously. A lawyer could clean up with this class action suit.
So, as I understand, those of us left behind have five months (or seven years -the jury seems to be deadlocked on the time frame) before the end. I am pretty much down with that. I always do better with a deadline when I have a bunch of shit to get done. So, I am making my list:
SHIT TO GET DONE IN THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS OR SEVEN YEARS:
1. Lose seventy pounds.
2. Put new strings on my guitar.
3. Find the lid to my thermal coffee cup from REI.
Oh, and if we are doing the five month plan, add:
4. Stop paying off Master Card bill.
5. Gain seventy pounds.
It’s a win/win.
See you in Hell.