Tastes Like Oppression

The Next Family

By: Ann Brown

Okay, so dig this:

There you are, just about to take a bite of your 420 calorie – only 420!- teriyaki turkey burger from Carl’s Jr and you hear a voice (perhaps it’s your own) saying, “Carl Karcher is a right-wing reactionary who gives zillions of dollars to support everything you find abhorrent.”

And you say, “I know. He is the devil. And as soon as I finish this teriyaki turkey burger which is 420 calories – only 420!- I am going to write a check to Planned Parenthood. For $420.00.”

And the voice says, “oh please. The fuck you are.”

And you hang your head in shame because you know the voice speaks the truth.

Or this:

You float out on marshmallow clouds from Anthropologie because you found something that fits you in that world of size zero and minus zero and you text your friends the good news. Before you even get to your car, you get eleven texts telling you that Anthropologie is owned by right-wing reactionaries who support everything you find abhorrent.

And you say, “but…but…it fits me. And I will wear it to any gay weddings I am ever invited to, should gay people ever be given the right to marry, which they won’t if the owners of Anthropologie have anything to do about it.”

And they say, “is cream-colored linen with an ecru lace placket and banded waist really worth denial of civil rights?”

And you tell them of course, it isn’t worth it. It is a homophobic blouse. It will burst into flames as soon as you put it on. Although, you think to yourself, ironically, it is just the kind of blouse gay people would admire.

And you think to yourself, “the only reason it fits is because of those fabulous 420 calorie teriyaki turkey burgers I’ve been living on for a month.”


If you boycott the turkey burgers and eat the high caloric shit that liberals make, and you eschew the to die for merchandise of homophobes in favor of free trade, shade-grown hemp muu-muu’s; and if, subsequently, the world is going to be divided into poorly dressed, overweight liberals and chic, fit, reactionary douchebags, haven’t the terrorists won? And then, won’t the Iraq war have been in vain?

Everybody knows that it is easier to hate an ugly person than it is to hate an attractive one, the exception, of course, being the Gosselin kids. So isn’t it almost our responsibility as radical frontliners to look as hot as we possibly can? You know, to bring people over to our side? I mean, look at what Giada’s cleavage and overabundance of teeth have done for pasta.

Which, coming around full circle, brings me to this little fact: Giada’s husband designs for Anthropologie.

I know, right?

Hakuna matata, dudes. Hakuna matata.



[Photo Credit: theimpulsivebuy]

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