Christmas 2005

By: Heather Somaini

We returned to Los Angeles from our Thanksgiving in New York City and started into the holiday season. Tere and I both remember working a lot. We wanted to move on, move forward, to forget. Of course you never actually forget but we had hope. Tere recently just reminded me that she has never forgotten the due date of that baby – June 29, 2006 – and every year she spends a little time on that day remembering the baby that didn’t make it. I think the amount of time is less each year and maybe one day she will forget.

We had a strange split Christmas that year in Los Angeles and Tennessee. I’m not sure why. I think we shifted our Christmas celebration towards the end of December to let my brother spend Christmas day with his in-laws. Since Tere and I and my parents were essentially alone for the holiday, we convinced my Mom and Dad to come to LA and spend December 25th with us. Our friends Julie and Amy and Amy’s parents were in town so we invited them over to celebrate too.

Christmas dinner was great, lots of fun with great friends. But that night after everyone had left and my parents had gone to bed, Tere and I were finishing up some dishes and the cracks in our current situation started to show. Tere was super disappointed in my choice of a Christmas gift for her – socks. I’m not sure why it was socks and I’m sure there were other gifts. But Tere saw it as my complete disregard for her. I had hurt her at a time when she needed to know I was thinking about her most. I didn’t have any really great excuses although I’m sure I was busy trying to bury my head in the sand. I’m sure work was taxing and negotiating with my family for our holiday took its toll. But when it really came down to it, I failed her. She was devastated and convinced that I didn’t love her. It was hard to hear and even harder to resolve. But somehow we made it through.

My parents flew home a day or so later and we met them in Tennessee with my brother and his family. My parents were part way through building their retirement home. We all stayed at their rental house about a mile away. We went to see the progress of the framing of their house on the lake. It was pretty amazing and is still one of my favorite places to go and sit and watch the water go by.

My sister-in-law was pregnant with my nephew that Christmas. She was the first of many of our friends who got pregnant while we struggled. It was frustrating and doubts started to creep in. We started to wonder if we had done something wrong or if we were being punished. We were terribly difficult on ourselves.

I look back at that Christmas as the last one when we were truly alone – just us. Lots of things can change in a year. It was the last Christmas of easy decisions and I have a feeling Tere would be happy with socks now – ok well maybe super expensive cashmere socks!

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