High Holy Days

By: Heather Somaini

Tere started on the Clomid and went back to the fertility monitor.  The tricky thing with Clomid is that they can’t really control the egg production with it.  It’s a low level fertility drug in pill form but women respond very differently to it.  The injectable drugs are much easier to manipulate and manage.  So sometimes when you hear stories of women having quadruplets or quintuplets and more – often it’s on Clomid.

Dr. C monitored Tere pretty closely and at the point right before insemination, she was showing two follicles.  I remember telling my boss later that day about it and discussing the possibility of twins.  I really didn’t understand how it all worked, clearly.  It was strictly theory for me and in my highly structured mind, two follicles equaled twins.  Of course, any fertility drug can produce follicles but a pregnancy isn’t going to happen if there aren’t any viable eggs in those follicles.  But I was oblivious and went on my merry way, daydreaming of our soon-to-be twins.

Insemination day was fast approaching and if our guesstimate was right, it was going to fall right in the middle of the Jewish High Holy days.  Not good for us as both of our doctors would not be in the office.  As a back-up contingency plan, they told us about another doctor who would not be celebrating the Jewish holiday and would be happy to help.

Dr. S was a fertility specialist in Beverly Hills and if our regular OB/GYN was a normal doctor’s office, his office was like walking into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.  There were these perfectly groomed and well-mannered nurses who were incredibly sweet and nice – not an unpleasant word would they ever speak.  They were open seven days a week from something like 6:00a until very late at night.  We could have our donor vials sent over whenever we wanted because they had the freezers to keep them frozen indefinitely.  They had gadgets and machines in every room – super fancy ultrasounds everywhere.

As we expected, Tere peaked during the Jewish holiday and off to Dr. S we went.  The funny thing was, we never even saw him.  The nurses do most of the simple procedures over there and a lovely woman named Suzanne handled the insemination.  We went back the next day and they did it again.  Yes, that’s how it works.  2 vials, 2 days, 2 inseminations.  They get you coming and going.

We went back to waiting and daydreaming.  Two weeks is a lot of time.  It starts out stressful and you can’t imagine how you’re going to make it through.  Then about half-way through, you start to realize that you’d forgotten about it but now you remember and start stressing out again.  By the time the two weeks pass, you’re completely exhausted.  You have huge highs and terrible lows.  Thinking about the future becomes constant and then you clear it from your memory and then you think about the future again.  You hope and then hate yourself for hoping.  I was convinced that if I wanted it too much, I would never get it – that it would be withheld from me.  That I wasn’t worthy of this thing I so desperately wanted.  That my life was not charmed and just wanting something doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.  In actuality, wanting something makes it go away.  It’s amazing the mental games and emotional tricks I played torturing myself through two weeks of waiting.

Two weeks passed.  We were pregnant.

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