The Next Family

By: Bandito

This free public announcement has been approved by the “FIA” (FATHER INTELLIGENCE AGENCY). Please do not share any contents of this message to girlfriends, baby mommas, or wives known for scheduling weekends full of “HONEY DO’S” for the family.

Like many FIA operatives around the world who have endured years and years of the wives’ insatiable appetite for socializing, not to mention party hopping, public vs. private school debating, pre-school gossiping, and “Honey Do This, Honey Do That” weekend planning; I, operative number 00-8, decided to devise a plan to counter-act and ultimately crush the Evil Empire’s grasp on the weekend. I had had enough, weekend after weekend, maneuvering through a gauntlet of kids’ parties that sometimes started on the Westside, and ended in the Valley. I know all the studies show that having a positive peer group and having friends are beneficial for adolescent development and character, but do my children really need to have friends, really? There have been Saturdays, and even Sundays for that matter, where we (the family) started at 9:00 a.m., and didn’t end until 5:00 p.m. Since when did the weekend become part of the five-day work week? Well, every once in a while you (loyal FIA members) must go on the offensive, and maliciously and diabolically dismantle (her) plans for mass socialization.

In order for the operative to obtain ultimate results, your day must start at 5:30 am. I know 5:30 is early, but it is a small price to pay for the satisfaction in knowing that you, and you alone, raged against the machine, devised a strategic plan, and ultimately became the Joker to (her) Batman! You know your plan was successful when at the end of the day, the house is a complete mess, the yard is littered with balls, squirt guns, and wet clothing, the children are filled to the brim with homemade breakfast, lunch (not to mention all the snacks from the naughty cabinet), the kids’ brains are fried from watching childhood eighties movies, the wife has conceded in defeat and left the house out of pure frustration and anger, and somehow you have managed to brainwash both kids to get excited for the upcoming Lakers vs. Celtics game.

The reason 5:30 is so essential is because no good plan ever goes on without a hitch. Expect hitches, and give yourself enough time for contingency. At or about 5:45, you should be out of the house, and over to the wife’s favorite coffee making monopoly to purchase the most expensive frappochino – mocha mix on the menu. Me personally, I stay away from the whipped cream in the morning, because that early morning sugar rush will send her crashing down with the most aggressive and resistant behavior later on in the day. After you’ve purchased the frappa-mocha-cracko (what simply equates to crack for a mother of two), get back to the house and get started on breakfast. Oh yes, breakfast is a key ingredient for Sabotage! Eggs, bacon, and toast will usually suffice, but if you really want to cover your bet, homemade pancakes will propel you to legendary status. Prepare the breakfast, but don’t start cooking until you are ready for everyone to get up. That is the greatest part of the plan; you have absolute power! You can now dictate when everyone awakes based on the aroma emanating from the kitchen. After preparation, get yourself to the laundry room and throw in a load. Only one load is recommended, but don’t cheat yourself. If you are going to do laundry, do your laundry, and only throw in a few of (their) items to make it look good. If your house is anything like mine, there are always toys, blankets, and games lying around from the night before. Straighten them up, but not to the point of cleaning –don’t clean, just straighten. If there are dishes in the sink, no need to wash them, just put them in the dishwasher. It is all smoke and mirrors, if you can give the illusion that the house has been cleaned from the night before, the wife will simply overlook the fact that you have hidden the dirtiness. Knowing what you know, the house will be destroyed by the end of the day anyway, so why clean twice? Once the crack has been bought, the breakfast has been prepared, the house has been straightened, and your laundry has been loaded, it is time to enter into the def-con phase of your plan. It is absolutely essential that you lay the kids’ clothes out for the day. You must mislead, thus giving the impression that you are eager and excited to get started on her day full of “Honey Do” activities. Last but definitely not least, if you don’t have the movie “Free Willy” in your DVD arsenal at home, go and buy it immediately. I am not talking about the big budget “Free Willy” movie that made tons of money, but the bootleg (straight to DVD version) that looks like it was filmed in the backyard of some mansion in Tarzana. The movie is one of a kind, and will not only keep your kids captivated in the early morning hours, but your wife as well. Throw that movie in your DVD player, press pause at the beginning, and go hop in the shower to congratulate yourself on putting together a pre-game that rivals some of the best strategists in the world.

If the wife and kids aren’t up by 8:00 AM, load the bacon in the oven, turn on some Sports Center, and tease yourself about what will be, if you stay focused and committed to the plan. Guilt can be extremely disruptive, and it is imperative that you ignore all feelings and remain focused on yourself and your needs! As they migrate towards the kitchen, run to press play on the DVD, and welcome everybody with a bright, I’ve-been-up-for-two-hours-already smile, and offer them an assortment of food options from the buffet that you have so nicely displayed. As they enter the living room with a plate full of food, they will notice the odd, but entertaining movie on the TV screen. As they settle into their positions, run to the laundry room and grab the basket, place the kids’ clothes on top of the basket so she can see, and walk by her position. When you bring their drinks, make sure her Frappachini is brought out first. By then, you will have noticed how serious, and intent they are on finishing, at the least, the next twenty minutes of the movie. Twenty minutes leads to two hours, and the next thing she knows, we (family of four) only have fifteen minutes to get ready for party number one (no way, not going to happen). The first party is out, and the second party is in serious jeopardy because she is really comfortable, satisfied, and appreciative of the effort that you have put forth. When the kids beg for you to put in another movie, put in Goonies, and observe how your two year-old watches the movie slightly interested, your five year-old covers her ears and asks a thousand questions, and your wife falls in out of consciousness while lying on the couch. It is the equivalent to painting a Picasso! Before you know it, it is 3:30 in the afternoon, and your wife is scrambling to the grocery store to complete at least one errand, in what she would consider a non-productive Saturday. By then, you managed to watch another movie (The Never Ending Story), dominate your children in every outdoor activity, put together a lunch, fold (your) laundry, watch a little baseball, walk to 7-11, and remind everyone how much fun it is too stay home once in a while.

So at 5:00 p.m., approximately four minutes before tip-off, pat yourself on the back and raise your glass to yourself, because you, sir, have officially taken the next step into adulthood. Your social experiment has gone off without any snags, and you taught everyone a valuable lesson. Sometimes when you do nothing, you do everything.


[Photo Credit: Flickr member Dunachaser]

[Photo Credit: Flickr member Heylovedc]

[Photo Credit: Flickr member Nate Kay]

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