Welcome To Crazy Land
By: Tony Tripoli
So much has been happening:
Donatella Versace went sunbathing,
and I haven’t slept the whole night through since. And, don’t tell my trainer, but I can’t seem to stop craving beef jerky…
The Miss America Pageant, and no one seemed to care except me and Mario Lopez.
What is his skin made of, exactly? It’s like peachy velvet. Yes, he probably banged all 53 contestants, but, I call that patriotism, people.
And, look at his body. I gotta get offa this beef jerky train, or I’m for sure gonna die alone.
The Grammy’s proved, once again, that Pink can literally hang from the ceiling dripping wet,
and all anyone is gonna talk about the next day is that damn Taylor Swift.
That can’t make a girl feel too good.
And, speaking of feelings, since I didn’t have the special glasses, that lame 3D Michael Jackson tribute showed me what it feels like to see the world the way Paula Abdul does.
But the big news is: I WAS ON TV, TOO.
Yep, and I can prove it.
It’s TV GUIDE’S Sexiest Couples of All Time countdown, and it’s still running, so set your DVR. (Really, even if you are reading this in 2032, trust me, it’s re-running. These things are like Carrot Top: they never go away, and when you do take another look, it’s even worse than you remembered.)
But, I’m honored to be a part of it.
Here’s the scoop:
Someone at TV Guide saw my one-man show, entitled “TONY TRIPOLI : I SHIT MY PANTS” last December, (not joking, that’s what I called it) and asked if I’d like to do this countdown special. I said yes, because, I like being on TV, and I have tons of opinions. In fact, one of the things that is great about me is, I don’t need any actual information to form an opinion; I’ll just make one up. It’s a real time-saver!
Anyway, they set up the time, and sent me the list of the 25 sexy couples, so I could prepare. I’ve seen a million of these types of shows, and even been on a bunch, so I know that they want sarcastic, edgy jokes. But, perhaps, in hindsight, I should have ASKED someone if that’s what they wanted for this particular countdown.
So, when you watch, you’ll notice that everything I say ends in an upward inflection, as if I’m continuing to speak, but get cut off. Yeah, it sounds that way because that’s exactly what’s happening. I set up my joke, and right as I get rude, or as I like to call it to “the good part”, they cut away to someone nicer.
Example: when talking about Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, I say that the famous line “You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow”, would never be in a movie today. And, if it was, it would be changed to “Just put your lips together and blow….ME.”
About Brad and Angelina, I say “Sure, they met on Mr. and Mrs. Smith, when he was married to Jenn Aniston, but let’s remember what’s important here: In their years together, they have purchased the most adorable family.”
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are legendary. They were both so caramel-colored, and gorgeous, and now, they are like Hollywood’s most gorgeous lesbian couple.
Ellen, Portia: this is your future.
I just don’t understand why they cut it.