Live My Best Life
By: Ann Brown
AKA Dr. Strangemom
Somebody tell Oprah:
I do not want to be my best self. I do not want to live my best life.
It’s so fucking exhausting. It’s hard enough to just remember to wax my upper lip and to take the recycling to the curb on Monday nights.
Why do we need the best of everything? Why can’t we just live our fair-to-decent lives and leave well enough alone? Why can’t we wake up hungover, eat a palatable breakfast, drink an okay cup of coffee, take a tepid shower, use perfectly fine shampoo on our slightly limp hair, put on a so-so outfit and face another regular day?
What ever happened to average???
Average is the new below-average.
And God forbid you are raising children in this LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE world today. You better create the optimum, uber, extreme BEST life for them, too. Or else.
Your kids better wake up in shade-grown, organic, cruelty-free, Union made pajamas (Well, actually, I do like the cruelty-free, Union-made part), climb out of their American-made hybrid car trundle beds, trudge across your bamboo floors to the radiant floor-heated bathroom and pee a horse stream of the highest quality urine. And then you better give them a perfectly nutritionally balanced breakfast before sending them off to the BEST preschool in the whole world, where they will be gently guided to the best, trophied, lauded, researched, highest-scoring, play-based, academic-based, arts-based, social/emotional-based, sports-based, community-based and non elitist toys made of natural materials. Snack will be grown, prepared and served by Alice Waters. Music time will feature Yo Yo Ma. Jackson Pollack will be exhumed, cleaned up, rehabilitated and neutered to oversee the painting area.
While the kids are in school, you better get your dimpled ass to tap/kick boxing class before you savor a soy smoothie while enjoying the restorative powers of making your own bread for toast.
And don’t forget to have three orgasms every day! They firm and tone your Kegel muscles while giving your complexion a healthy glow! Do it while you bake the bread.
Our children do not need to have the best of everything. In fact, I think that having the best of everything is pretty much the recipe for raising fucked up kids. Read Us Weekly, you’ll see.
Now, go forth and live your average life. I’ll be on the couch, eating generic popcorn and watching network television. I love my life.