The Holidays, Part 2: My Big Idea

The Next Family

By: Ann Brown


Last post, I theorized that Mother Mary got more than the baby Jesus that miraculous Christmas eve; she also probably got her first hemorrhoid. And I think that even the most devout woman who has ever pushed a watermelon through a turtleneck would not be offended by my ramblings. So I feel fairly safe that that post isn’t going to keep me out of Heaven.
But this one will.
I’ve been seeing commercials for the Disney Holiday on Ice shows lately and it has got me thinking. I imagine when Disney runs out of ways to suck our money into every merchandising crime possible, they turn to each other, rub their palms together and mouth the magic words, ” On Ice”.
And they high-five each other and the skies open forth and rain money on their hair plugs.
Well, I could use some money right about now so I am going to play their game. A Hanukkah on Ice show? Too cloying. I can just see it now -Dick Button carrying nine skaters on his arms, each with a candle on his head while Neil Diamond sings something vaguely Jewish-sounding. No thanks.
I’m going new school with this idea.
Dr. Strangemom presents:
Anne Frank On Ice.
Can’t you just see it? The brown-shirted SS goose-stepping and double Lutz-ing their way around the rink ghetto (Brian Boitano will be the show-off standout lead Nazi because he can triple-Lutz). Sascha Cohen or that other Jewish skater will play Anne (yeah, it’s typecasting but that’s how I roll) and Michelle Kwan will steal the show as Miep (the real hero. And I worship Michelle Kwan. I wanted to name my beloved dog, Molly, Michelle Kwan because I adopted her – the dog – on the day MK dropped out of the Olympics. Plus, I thought it would be such a trip to be able to say to people, “hey, I gotta go crack open a window. I got Michelle Kwan in the back of my car” or ” Dammit, Michelle Kwan peed on the living room rug again so I hit her on the snoot with a newspaper”).
Johnny Wier will be Peter but when it’s time for Anne and Peter to kiss, he can step back and Elvis Stojko will take over because Stojko kissing Kwan is money in the bank.
That Canadian couple – Whatsername and Whatshisname -will play the Van Daams, the couple who lived with the Franks up in the attic. Although Whatshername is gonna have to gain a few pounds but I can give her some pointers in that.
Evan Lysacek (isn’t he that dark-haired tall drink of water?) can be the Nazi who discovers the Jews in the attic. Evan placed only second in the Grand Prix final this year so can use his anger to be more believable in the role.
I feel bad that I have no part for Scott Hamilton because he’s been through so much.
Hitler, natch’, will be played by Katarina Witt. I love her, but let’s be fair. She owes it to my people.
Okay, then.
See you in Hell.


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